The Neurosis That Is My Day-To-Day Life: Zombies

I am not what you would call normal.
I woke up this morning concerned that my teeth were loose. After taking my prescribed medication (one that enables me to focus on just ONE of my mental concerns at a time) I let the dogs outside then got in the shower.
I brush my teeth in the shower. There are three reasons for that
1) It saves on water. I hate turning the faucet off and on while brushing my teeth. It also means that I won't spend an extra gallon of water trying to scrub toothpaste out of my shirt after I no-doubt spill toothpaste on it.
2) Its efficient--I'm impatient and I know that if I brush my teeth in the shower while giving my conditioner time enough to soak into my hair I will brush my teeth the requisit 3 minutes.
3) I don't have to look at myself in the mirror while I brush my teeth. I'm paranoid about spaces forming in my teeth because I'm concerned I will be ugly if there are spaces between my teeth. I also think that if there were any spaces that once I've finished brushing my teeth the spaces are gone.
Yeah I'm slightly off-center.
I have a weird relationship with zombies.
They fascinate me the way picking scabs or popping zits fascinate people.
I am utterly terrified of zombies.
Don't get me wrong. I love gore. I love violent films. I like kung fu, shoot-em ups, explosions, exploitation cinema, stabber flicks etc. I was raised on Bruce Willis, Sylvestor Stallone, Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jea-Claude Van Damme, Patrick Swayze. I saw my first Billy Jack movie at age 9. I once got in trouble for asking my father the name of the movie where the guy says "Yippie Kay Yay Mother Fucker." I was 10. I adore war movies. Saving Private Ryan, The Patriot, Behind Enemy Lines, Tora Tora Tora, Glory, Red Dawn, U-571, Alexander, 300 and The Messenger

But conversely I cannot stand rape. I don't like political thrillers or anything about espionage (or at least modern espionage; the only good spy films were noir and that medium has died out, sadly).

I am terrified of zombies. The films themselves I enjoy, to a point. A lot of modern zombie enthusiasts prefer films that do very little of the "escapist" entertainment. They like to forget that its make believe. That its not really true and the living dead are just actors in really expensive make-up.

I however don't enjoy that. Because when thsoe guys go home, they just move on.
I don't.
Nightmares abound for weeks after I see a zombie child come climbing out of an undead womb. I watch in horror as a mother puts two bullets into an infected child. A man saving himself and leaving his wife to thousands of scrambling fingers brings tears to my eyes and insomnia to my nightly routine.
I cannot take myself out of the equation.
When it gets really bad I become neurotic. I begin to hide supplies in the fall-back points of my home. Bottles of bleach mysteriously appear in my bathrooms. Razor blades are taped to the backs of toilets.
Butterfly knives are sharped and rest beside my bed.

Because for me its not pretend. The "what if's" don't turn off. I my sleep schedule goes out the window. I obsessively make lists. I refuse to go out to the car for something forgotten once the sun has gone down. I turn all the lights on upstairs and don't put my back to a darkened room.

I have eased myself down. I am better than I used to be. I can watch some undead films, I can look at pictures, I can play the video games.
But I must be reassured. I must be warned. And I must know that it isn't real.

I am crazy, but managably so.
Most of the time.
But not today :)